


Too Little, Too Late

by snowdrops



Series: Junior [2]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Gen, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-15 23:24:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7243069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowdrops/pseuds/snowdrops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They rescued him from the Noah, but he isn't Lavi anymore. Standalone oneshot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Little, Too Late

**Author's Note:**

> Also for Eoin, [@transjohnnygill](http://archiveofourown.org/users/transjohnnygill) ~
> 
> Please take note: Return to 0 and Too Little, Too Late were born of the exact same base draft (eoin you hurt me 1.5.docx). As a result, the main story is exactly the same, but the interpretation of Bookman Junior is slightly different.

The eye that opens into his is emerald green, and the voice that breaks the silence is hoarse and low. It’s familiar, so familiar, but Kanda knows it’s not Lavi. It wasn’t Lavi he carried out of the Noah’s mansion, it isn’t Lavi who just woke up, and it isn’t Lavi who speaks. 

“G’morning,” the stranger says, his voice rough. “…Yuu.”

“You don’t need to pretend to be him,” Kanda says evenly. “You’re not Lavi.”

A mocking laugh forces itself from the stranger’s throat. “And you would know, huh?”

Kanda stays silent, squashes down the bile that threatens to rise, the unfamiliar taste of bitterness on his tongue. _Of course_ he would know. He knew Lavi, knew every inch of the other’s body, knew the way that Lavi would arch into his touch, the light intonations of Lavi’s voice and his careless drawl, and more than anything, he knew the light in Lavi’s eye.

The light that had always been there, flickering mutedly - it was gone, extinguished with nary a trace of its existence.

“What am I saying, of course you would know,” the stranger laughs again. It’s laced with a callousness that Kanda never thought he would hear in the redhead’s voice.

“I loved you, you know,” the stranger continues, and Kanda glances back at him in barely-concealed shock at the pronoun used. “I tried to fight it so hard. Let me tell you something I won’t be writing in the records. The Noah used your life as their bargaining chip and I _cared_ ” – the word is spit out like venom – “for you so much that I agreed to their terms. Do you know how much it hurt, Yuu? But I would have done anything to keep you alive.”

He pulls opens the hospital robe, shows Kanda the criss-cross of bruises and lashes marring the tanned skin. Kanda can barely look, his heart wrenching at the sight.

“So you are Lavi,” Kanda replies slowly.

“…You don’t understand. Lavi _was_ me,” the other says instead, shaking his head with something akin to pity. “But I’m not Lavi anymore. _Lavi – I –_ was too attached to you. I knew it would be a mistake, that it would bring me nothing but pain, but Lavi was an impulsive persona and I got carried away. You were Lavi’s ruin, Kanda Yuu. You gave him something to believe in, someone to pine after.”

It’s confusing at this point, whether it’s the stranger or Lavi speaking. The way he carries himself is reminiscent of Lavi’s lazy slouch, but Kanda knows Lavi would have tilted his head slightly to the left, would have slurred his words a little bit more.

“Hope, you see, is the worst emotion of all,” the stranger says, voice tight. “Hope gives way to disappointment, disappointment to despair. Lavi kept hoping even though he knew it was hopeless, and in the end he lost. You were too late, and he gave up. That’s all there is to it.”

**Author's Note:**

>  **Additional notes exclusive for Too Little, Too Late:**  
>  I'm not sure if it's clear enough here, but let me try to explain the distinction between Return to 0 and Too Little, Too Lat.
> 
> In Return to 0, Bookman Junior and Lavi are separate identities. Lavi is a persona that Bookman Junior views as separate from himself. 'Lavi' is capable of independent action, and 'Bookman Junior' is 'the base personality' who takes over when 'Lavi' gives up. This is the Bookman Junior-Lavi relationship that most fanfiction explores, I believe.
> 
> While in Too Little, Too Late, Bookman Junior was Lavi is Bookman Junior. This meaning, Bookman Junior gained a certain level of emotions when he was in the role of Lavi. But when it got too much he "disassociated" from his role as Lavi and erased? wiped? abandoned his emotions and the persona Lavi... which is why he goes from referring to Lavi as "I" to referring to Lavi as "him". 
> 
> ... Was that confusing? Yes, it was. It was fun to experiment with Bookman Junior like this, though.
> 
> -
> 
>  **My notes for Return to 0 still remain relevant here:**  
>  Lavi and Kanda's relationship pre-capture is entirely open to individual interpretation. Were they in love? Or were they friends with benefits? I wonder...
> 
> Writing Bookman Junior was a huge challenge, which I enjoyed very much but it also hurt me a lot like w h y. I hope it wasn't too confusing to read! I'd like to write him again some time, maybe a less cynical, less world-wearied him. 
> 
> Thanks to Gunny for betaing and thanks to Eoin for the prompt~
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
